Step 2: The Contract
Ahoy, land monsters! It's good to have you back. Hopefully by now you are well on your way to hating everything about your horrible corpulent body, and we can begin the war.
Hate is great. Really, it is. Darth Vader had it right. He used the power of hate, the dark side of the force, to get things done. His enemy, Obi-Wan, left him to cook to death in the lava, burning and screaming for help. Obi-Wan too learned the power of hate. But lucky for you, husky, you won't have to burn to death to get rid of your disgusting fat body. All you have to do is HATE IT!
DO IT! Start the hateolution! But don't forget the cereal! It is your second weapon in the battle of the bulge. Come to think of it, "cereal" is such a neutral word. There is no hate or anger in it, and this is somewhat troubling to me. You are at war with your body, and such neutral language constitutes coward-speak, and this does not support the war machine.
From now on, think of them as HATE FLAKES.
Before we get into the substance of the hate diet, you must sign a contract. First, you must set a date to hate your weight. Do this on a Friday. That way you will start the week full of fiber and furious hatred. Throw away all the snack foods in your fridge, your pantry, your closet, and wherever else you stash your poison.
TAKE NO PRISONERS ! CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES!! SHOW ME YOUR HATE FACE! YOU ARE GOING TO WAR!
From here on, you must only consume Hate flakes, and only three times a day. And on Friday morning, after you take one last look at your shameful body, fill out the following contract:
"I, ....(JOHN Q. FATBODY), TODAY,(INSERT DATE), FORMALLY SWEAR AND AFFIRM THAT I AM IN A SANE AND CONSCIOUS STATE OF MIND, AND THAT I WILL HENCEFORTH KILL ALL THE FAT ON MY BODY FOR TWO MONTHS, BY EATING ONLY THE FOOD I AM INSTRUCTED TO EAT, AND ONLY THREE TIMES A DAY, UNTIL ...(INSERT DATE TWO MONTHS IN THE FUTURE). I FURTHER SWEAR AND AFFIRM THAT I HATE MY CURRENT PHYSIOLOGICAL STATE, THAT I HATE HOW I LOOK, THAT I HATE HOW I EAT, THAT I HATE MY SLOW AND MISERABLE METABOLISM, AND THAT I HAVE CHOSEN TO HATE ALL FOODS WHICH I AM INSTRUCTED NOT TO EAT. I FURTHER SWEAR AND AFFIRM THAT I HAVE THROWN AWAY ALL THE SNACK FOODS IN MY HOME, IN MY OFFICE AND IN MY POSSESSION, AND THAT I WILL NOT REPLENISH THOSE UNTIL (INSERT SECOND DATE, ABOVE). I HAVE CHOSEN THE 'WAY OF THE WARRIOR' AND, AS SUCH, I HAVE CHOSEN TO HATE AND KILL ALL THE FAT ON MY BODY. FOR THIS MISSION, WHICH I HAVE CHOSEN TO ACCEPT WITHOUT QUALIFICATION OR INTENT TO DECEIVE, I HAVE TARGETED THE TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF ME. ONLY HATE WILL FREE ME NOW; HATE IS MY WEAPON, AND I SHALL NOT FEAR MY DESTINY - SO HELP ME DR. HATE".
SIGNED, (JOHN Q. FATBODY)
Congratulations, future non-fat person! You are on your way!
Who is it?
Hate. It's right outside your door. Be a good host and let it in. It wants to be friends with you. All you have to do is open the door.
Remember: Your body is like a dirty city, infested with vermin-like fat. Be the Pied-Piper. Play your flute of hatred and free yourself from the bonds of morbid obesity forever!
That is all for now, blobs and blobettes. Go forth and hate thyself.
(to be continued)
next: Step 3- Canibalism: Only the weak will survive!