Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Step 2: The Contract

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Ahoy, land monsters! It's good to have you back. Hopefully by now you are well on your way to hating everything about your horrible corpulent body, and we can begin the war.

Hate is great. Really, it is. Darth Vader had it right. He used the power of hate, the dark side of the force, to get things done. His enemy, Obi-Wan, left him to cook to death in the lava, burning and screaming for help. Obi-Wan too learned the power of hate. But lucky for you, husky, you won't have to burn to death to get rid of your disgusting fat body. All you have to do is HATE IT!

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DO IT! Start the hateolution! But don't forget the cereal! It is your second weapon in the battle of the bulge. Come to think of it, "cereal" is such a neutral word. There is no hate or anger in it, and this is somewhat troubling to me. You are at war with your body, and such neutral language constitutes coward-speak, and this does not support the war machine.

From now on, think of them as HATE FLAKES.

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Before we get into the substance of the hate diet, you must sign a contract. First, you must set a date to hate your weight. Do this on a Friday. That way you will start the week full of fiber and furious hatred. Throw away all the snack foods in your fridge, your pantry, your closet, and wherever else you stash your poison.

TAKE NO PRISONERS ! CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES!! SHOW ME YOUR HATE FACE! YOU ARE GOING TO WAR!

From here on, you must only consume Hate flakes, and only three times a day. And on Friday morning, after you take one last look at your shameful body, fill out the following contract:

"I, ....(JOHN Q. FATBODY), TODAY,(INSERT DATE), FORMALLY SWEAR AND AFFIRM THAT I AM IN A SANE AND CONSCIOUS STATE OF MIND, AND THAT I WILL HENCEFORTH KILL ALL THE FAT ON MY BODY FOR TWO MONTHS, BY EATING ONLY THE FOOD I AM INSTRUCTED TO EAT, AND ONLY THREE TIMES A DAY, UNTIL ...(INSERT DATE TWO MONTHS IN THE FUTURE). I FURTHER SWEAR AND AFFIRM THAT I HATE MY CURRENT PHYSIOLOGICAL STATE, THAT I HATE HOW I LOOK, THAT I HATE HOW I EAT, THAT I HATE MY SLOW AND MISERABLE METABOLISM, AND THAT I HAVE CHOSEN TO HATE ALL FOODS WHICH I AM INSTRUCTED NOT TO EAT. I FURTHER SWEAR AND AFFIRM THAT I HAVE THROWN AWAY ALL THE SNACK FOODS IN MY HOME, IN MY OFFICE AND IN MY POSSESSION, AND THAT I WILL NOT REPLENISH THOSE UNTIL (INSERT SECOND DATE, ABOVE). I HAVE CHOSEN THE 'WAY OF THE WARRIOR' AND, AS SUCH, I HAVE CHOSEN TO HATE AND KILL ALL THE FAT ON MY BODY. FOR THIS MISSION, WHICH I HAVE CHOSEN TO ACCEPT WITHOUT QUALIFICATION OR INTENT TO DECEIVE, I HAVE TARGETED THE TWO MONTHS AHEAD OF ME. ONLY HATE WILL FREE ME NOW; HATE IS MY WEAPON, AND I SHALL NOT FEAR MY DESTINY - SO HELP ME DR. HATE".

SIGNED, (JOHN Q. FATBODY)

Congratulations, future non-fat person! Y
ou are on your way!

Knock knock...

Who is it?

Hate. It's right outside your door. Be a good host and let it in. It
wants to be friends with you. All you have to do is open the door.

Remember: Your body is like a dirty city, infested with vermin-like fat. Be the Pied-Piper. Play your flute of hatred and free yourself from the bonds of morbid obesity forever!

That is all for now, blobs and blobettes. Go forth and hate thyself.

(to be continued)

next: Step 3- Canibalism: Only the weak will survive!

Monday, September 12, 2005

Step 1: Program Overview

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Hello again, fat face. Congratulations on your decision to continue fighting the war on fat. It's a relief to see that you aren't as cowardly as you are obese. But let us dispense with pleasantries. There are three steps you must take right now. These are essential before we proceed to any further.

Step One: Hate Your Body

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From this point forward, you have to make a conscious decision to HATE YOURSELF. Hate your oversized body. HATE IT. It is a gross flabby thing to be despised. Hate the extra
fifty pounds you carry around. Hate the friends and family who allow you to consume such enormous amounts of fatty foods day in and day out. They may love you, but you must learn to hate them. From here on, they too are your enemies. Hate the criminal companies that tempt you to eat their fat filled apples of poison. Hate The burger King. He is a King of death. Hate Ronald McDonald. He is not your friend. He is your enemy. His burgers are grenades, his Happy meals WMD's. Do not let the smile fool you. He represents your doom.

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Look at yourself naked, and begin to fill your heart with disgust and anger towards your bloated body. Do this every morning and every evening. If you can't manage to hate yourself just yet, try to imagine you are a despicable celebrity like Celine Dion or Star Jones. This might allow you to get to that personal hate space quicker.

Step two: Declare War On Your Body

Only you can decide to declare war on yourself. Only you can push the red button. Do it. Call in a tactical air strike on your big fat ass. Decide to kill your fat with the relentless, ruthless single-minded hate that's growing inside you. Put the Snickers bar down and embrace the hate that is beginning to consume you. Use it like a trumpet to call in the infantry. You are going to WAR!

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Step Three: Accept The Rules Of War

You must accept my rules. If you listen to what I tell you to do, you will undoubtedly succeed. You will not like me. You will hate me and everything I stand for. I sincerely hope you do. The power of the diet is the more you hate, the more you win. Every drop of vitriol adds essential fuel to the fat burning fire blazing within you. Your hate is a weapon. The other is the food you will eat.

What is this food you ask?

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Cereal. Thats it! Just Cereal. Combined with hate and discipline, this is a weapon no land monster can survive.

That being said, here is the diet:

YOU WILL EAT THREE LARGE BOWLS OF VITAMINIZED FAT-FREE CEREAL DAILY.

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Once in the morning....


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Once in the afternoon.....

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Once in the evening....

This will be
cereal such as Special K, Total, and others like these. (No Coco-Puffs, fatty.) With these, you will take ONE Multi-Vitamin with the morning bowl, and ONE with the evening bowl.

You will NOT use whole milk or skim milk, ONLY 2% MILK.
You will NOT use sugar to sweeten the cereal, But you may use sweetener of any kind (Equal, Splenda, Sweet And Low.)

YOU WILL EAT ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ELSE AT ANY TIME DURING THOSE TWO MONTHS.

You may drink water or sparkling water, or diet drinks, but you WILL NOT drink any sugared drinks, juices, or sugared sodas. You may drink coffee, but only with 2% milk and sweetener.

And the best part of the diet: NO EXERCISE.
Now I know you liked that part.

That's it. Sounds easy, right? Wrong.

Your stomach will shrink during the first few weeks. You will hate me, you will curse me, you will want me to die. You will want to take your cereal spoon and gouge your bloodshoot eyes out of your flabby head. But you won't. You have chosen the way of the warrior, and have learned to hate your enemy: your fat!

After the second week, your stomach will shrink by about 60%, and you are on your way! You will bless Doctor Hate, and you will begin to despise anyone around you who chews, eats, gurgles, slurps, burps, farts, or does anything involved with ingestion of solid foods. You will exalt and praise Doctor Hate beginning on the third week. Why? Because by the third week, I GUARANTEE you will have lost at least TWENTY pounds of that disgusting fat!!

So that is the basic outline. In subsequent posts, you will learn about channeling hatred, the "Supermodel Secret", and many facts and tools to aid you on the path to war. Believe me, if you stick with it, you will come out victorious. Listen to me and obey my commands and you will no longer be a fat bastard. Get angry at your obesity! Declare a Jihad on
your jelly belly! Napalm your navel! Bayonette the blubber! Turn those love handles into HATE HANDLES! And don't forget: Channel the hate, lose the weight. I did it, and lost SEVENTY POUNDS IN TWO MONTHS!

Next: The Contract.

(To be continued..)

The Dr. Hate Diet- An Introduction

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Greetings American fatsos! I am Dr. Hate!

Of course that is not my real name, that would be a silly thing. I must go by that name because my real identity must be protected. Many fat-coddling love mongers within the Medical and Diet communities consider my words dangerous, and as a result I am forced to remain in hiding. This is irrelevant. My name is unimportant.

I have an important diet that will change your life. Unlike the other diets on the market, I won't lie to you. In fact, I don't even like you. My diet will teach you to hate yourself, and in doing so you will start a REVOLUTION.

The fat cells inside your corpulent frame are similar to the oppressed, and your mind is the dictator. My method of self-control and diet will allow your fat cells to rise up and overthrow your disgusting food loving mind.

The process is simple. You will eat what I tell you, you will hate your body and all food, and you will do this for at least two months. You will not like it, you will hate it. And hate is the key to the whole process.

Let us first look at the other diets you have presumably failed before.

Atkins, South Beach, Hi-Protein, etc. BULLSHIT. they're all scams. None of them deal with the real problem! They tell you to eat some things, not eat other things, excercise "regularly" and a bunch of other lies.

The problem is simple: You are at WAR with your body! You have this fat, blobby, excess fat all over your body, and you want to get rid of it fast! You hate it!! Tell yourself you hate this fat, blobby body! You want to get rid of it. you are at WAR with it! And wars, my friend, are only won with HATE!!

*USE YOUR HATE TO WIN THE WAR!! *

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Joe M., Phoenix, AZ: "Before Dr. Hate's diet changed our horrible minds and bodies, we were always in good moods, and constantly stuffing our faces with food of every kind. We were always happy, and we didn't think anything of it. Dr. Hate taught us to turn our smiles upside down, and hate ourselves."


To begin with, you have to develop HATE for the food you eat. You eat too much!! You eat SO MUCH, that you have no hope of losing the fat you hate!! Scientifically, the only way to lose weight is to stop eating so much! EXERCISE??? - BULLSHIT!! Exercise is PROVEN to make you gain weight in the first two months, not lose it! You only begin to lose weight if you stop eating so much!! But you can't stop eating unless you start hating your food and hating the way you look!

USE YOUR HATE, just like soldiers do! A soldier is trained to hate first, then kill. A Soldier cannot kill if he doesn't hate!! And you cannot "kill" your worthless, ugly fat without hating it first!!

Next: Step one.

(To Be Continued)